Heavy Heart

I write tonight with a bit of a heavy heart, noticing that I have let the things out of my control once again sneak up on me. After a particularly interesting day, with many twists and turns, I come home wanting and needing answers but know that only time will provide them. The discomfort brought on tonight is one that stems from the differences of my life and the ones that I have been asked to serve. These differences are ones that I hardly notice anymore except on rare occasions when someone, somehow points them out.

Tonight was worship, worship without our Head Pastor. I was asked to step in to help, which included canceling Children’s Church (as we call it these days). This meant that the children would have to sit through the whole service. As they arrived I invited them to join me, to help make up for the part of church that has become routine for them, the hour that we spend God and learning about him.

Now I don’t always look forward to preparing for Children’s Church but I have come to realize how much many of the children enjoy it. So tonight while we prepared for regular worship to start I knew the children would want to talk and interrupt the service so I pulled out some of the coloring sheets that I store for when we run out of things to do, as well as some markers. For the most part the children stayed quiet and joined in during the prayers as we went. After worship I was approached by a regular member of our worshiping community who proceeded to tell me that they don’t allow children to color and draw during the service, that they should be paying attention. I apologized and let him know that I hadn’t heard that before and was trying to keep them quiet to let the adults enjoy the message. Although this didn’t seem to satisfy him he moved on with a grumble. I apologized again after dinner, making sure to let him know that I had in no way meant to upset or disturb the normal proceedings of worship at the parish, but was left wondering how that rule every got put in place. I understand the importance of children paying attention in God’s house but as a 7 year-old there is only so much sitting quietly that they can handle.

It was during the ride home that I was challenged once more about raising kids and how different that can look. I think in many ways I was raised on a rewards system, which turned me into a pleaser, always wanting to know that I had done a good job and that whoever I was trying to please was proud of me. That system can look different in every home but it is the opposite that I have a hard time understanding. I believe in discipline, and respect and know how important those lessons are for all of us to learn. I also understand that its not my place ever to tell someone how to raise or treat their kids but I feel that so many children really want to please someone and many times aren’t given the opportunity to do that.

I’m not a parent, just the oldest child out of an extended family made up of four kids and someone who thinks she has learned some about working with children over the last few months. I want and wish that I could provide the place of comfort that my family provided for me as I learned the many lessons life has to teach us. The hardest part is knowing that I won’t be here for forever and that I’m not their parent but somehow finding a way to share our lives with each other during this short time we have together.